I have no idea how to connect to people. Every social encounter I have i’m gritting my teeth monitoring my every move closely to make sure i’m not giving myself away. I’m starting to feel like i may never figure out how to open up - to myself or anyone else. I’ll be lonely forever. Then I tell myself, “you’re an artist” “you’re supposed to be lonely”.
NA says this is me “isolating myself”. I’ve been high for like a week and a half straight now. I finished everything I had tonight so the plan is to stop for awhile again. I don’t want to go back to those rooms. But I can’t seem to keep myself in check for very long. I just have to find my own balance, somehow. I’m scared they were right about me.
I’m just very tired of being alone. I know a lot of people. I call a lot of people friends. But I only have one actual friend. One person I trust enough to be myself around. One person who never makes me feel bad.
Well, and then there’s always tumblr.
Maybe i’m just a giant asshole and I don’t realize it. People at work tried to get to know me and be nice to me, and I just completely shut myself off from everyone. I moved myself to days because there are less people there, and everyone is older than me. It’s calm. I like that.
I don’t know if I want to play music anymore. I am all over the place. I just don’t know what’s going on with my life anymore. Everything has changed.
I’m rewatching dexter. I hate you lumen.
So I was at a thrift store and I see this little cat lamp.
I was like “Aye yo, ya’ll are fuckin’ adorable.”
So I bought the lil’ guy and took him home to plug him in.
Then I was like “No.”
well no wonder why it was in the thrift store
but shit it was 99 cents
do you ever realize that there was a moment when your mom or dad put you down as a baby and never picked you up again
I told my mom about this and she walked over and picked me up I am a 22 year old adult woman